Monday, May 17, 2004

What a weird weekend.

Hammielove and I broke up yesterday. We have been together for five years and I walked out. Being around my ex, David, made me realize what I was missing from my relationship. David made me feel beautiful (nothing happened...it was just the way he talked to me). I have felt taken for granted and unhappy for a long time. HL is not an affectionate guy and I am affection hound. I crave touch. HL has made excuses for the course of our relationship about how he is just not that way and I would have to accept that. I decided to stop accepting it yesterday.

I spent the night (sort of) on my friend's couch. I only slept for three hours, then at midnight got a call from another friend named Dave, who was at David's house and they wanted me to come hang out. We flipped a coin for it ( I probably would have gone anyway) and I drove up there and hung out until I had to go to work. So yes, I have been up since midnight.

The odd thing is that it was David that made me realize what I was missing in my relationship, but it was hanging out with the Daves made me realize that I would MISS my relationship and HL. I debated calling him during my drive to work and gave in and left him a message when I got back to my friend's house.

I thought that he wouldn't call me back because I know that I had really hurt him by leaving. I blindsided EVERYONE. I said some things that may have been harsh ( "You never loved me the way that I needed to be loved." Ouch.) but there were things that needed to be said. I have been SCREAMING (figuratively) for years and he hasn't heard me. He just couldn't SEE me anymore. My friends that are his friends told me how tore up he was. He is the machoest guy that I know and I made him cry when I was walking out the door.

But he called! We talked some about how miserable we both were last night and how we hadn't eaten and how we couldn't turn on the radio without hearing a song that reminded us about the other. I told him that I think I may have made a mistake by leaving so soon. I think that we should go to counseling. I know that I am not married but I just can't see giving up so easily on the last five years when HL hadn't had a chance to fight for the relationship. I think now that he knows I am serious, he is going to do some work on his deeper set issues.

So he asked me out to dinner. Six o'clock at "his" place (which is funny because we live together.) I told him not to expect to get lucky because I am not that kind of girl! :)

So yesterday I was done and today I am looking forward to a renewed start to what is a (most of the time) wonderful relationship.

I am hoping that this change of events will rid me of my insomnia. I have also had a surprisingly queasy stomach lately. I don't think I have consumed more that 3000 calories in the last five days (and I think most of that was the black and tans I had at Saturday's Renaissance Faire!)

On the bright side? I got offered three jobs working at the Faire when I went. Apparently I am a natural! Unfortunately, I think the two hour plus drive each way would put a damper on the fun!

3 Comments:

Blogger TV Junkie said...

Well, shoot. Boo, and Yay! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that airing things out will make them better. Maybe there's a way to meet somewhere in the middle. Know what I mean?

~TVJ~
www.tv-junkie.com

8:48 AM  
Blogger GreenTuna said...

Wow. What can I say? I hope everything works out for you in the very best way that it can. Maybe old relationships will get better, or maybe this will be the start of a new path. Whatever it brings, hold true to what you want and what you believe in. *hugs*

11:54 AM  
Blogger Hammie said...

Thinggs worked out! He still didn't get lucky though :)

I will post a longer update when I have a sec...

4:43 PM  

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