Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I realized last night that while I would get my feelings hurt by all those guys that rejected me, stood me up, or played me when I was single, I was seriously guarding my heart of hearts. Now that I am getting serious with Loren, I feel that wall starting to drop and I am letting myself be vulnerable. It scares the crap out of me.

After everything that I did to HL, why do I deserve to have a happy relationship? I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop now. Everything is perfect as Loren and I settle into our little domestic routine. I am really truly scared that something is going to go wrong and that I am going to get my heart broken.

I was quietly contemplating this last night and L noticed the lack of my normal cheery demeanor. We started discussing it and he thought that I still had feelings for HL, which is TOTALLY not the case. I have been over that for a while. HL can still upset me, which he did yesterday because he adamantly refuses to give my bike back to me, but I so do not have romantic feelings towards him. In fact, the more that I learn about some of his actions now and what he may have done during our relationship, the more I feel like I didn't know him at all.

Anyway, Loren is afraid of being hurt too. He got devestated by his last long term girl and even though that was a couple of years ago, he is still dealing with the emotional repercussions. I think that is the reason why we are taking things slow emotionally. True, we have moved in together relatively quickly, but we are definitely moving slower with our feelings.

I am trying to find the balance of holding on too tightly because I am afraid of losing him and being aloof because I am afraid of being hurt. I get light headed just thinking about it.

He held me last night and told me that I mean so much to him and he is glad that we are together. I feel the same way so I am just going to hang on for the ride and see what future brings.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Hammie....

Call the Moozles and let her know if you rec'd your pedigree yet, OK?

12:39 PM  

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