I realized last night that while I would get my feelings hurt by all those guys that rejected me, stood me up, or played me when I was single, I was seriously guarding my heart of hearts. Now that I am getting serious with Loren, I feel that wall starting to drop and I am letting myself be vulnerable. It scares the crap out of me.

After everything that I did to HL, why do I deserve to have a happy relationship? I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop now. Everything is perfect as Loren and I settle into our little domestic routine. I am really truly scared that something is going to go wrong and that I am going to get my heart broken.

I was quietly contemplating this last night and L noticed the lack of my normal cheery demeanor. We started discussing it and he thought that I still had feelings for HL, which is TOTALLY not the case. I have been over that for a while. HL can still upset me, which he did yesterday because he adamantly refuses to give my bike back to me, but I so do not have romantic feelings towards him. In fact, the more that I learn about some of his actions now and what he may have done during our relationship, the more I feel like I didn't know him at all.

Anyway, Loren is afraid of being hurt too. He got devestated by his last long term girl and even though that was a couple of years ago, he is still dealing with the emotional repercussions. I think that is the reason why we are taking things slow emotionally. True, we have moved in together relatively quickly, but we are definitely moving slower with our feelings.

I am trying to find the balance of holding on too tightly because I am afraid of losing him and being aloof because I am afraid of being hurt. I get light headed just thinking about it.

He held me last night and told me that I mean so much to him and he is glad that we are together. I feel the same way so I am just going to hang on for the ride and see what future brings.