Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I spent all weekend with my karate studio. On Saturday, I got to sit on the panel at advanced belt testing and get a feel for the pain I am going to experience in February. *note to self - Start working on your push-ups!* It was definitely cool to watch and I got to help out during the six mile run by directing traffic and driving the chase van. One of our black belts collapsed from heat exhaustion and knocked his head, concussing himself (he's okay) and testing got cut short, but before he got hurt the whole day was really cool. Sensei Brown had a rule for the testing students, " If they didn't have it 600 years ago, it doesn't go in your body today." Meaning that the testing students were given rice and tea at the halfway point, but there were no Balance bars or Gatorade. Rice, tea and water. I dug the whole ritual/tradition of it all.

There was dinner that night to promote the people that tested. Sensei Brown missed the majority of it because he was with Quoc in the hospital. He swung by when the nurses kicked him out for the shift change and then left as soon as he could to get back to the hospital.

Sunday was the Street Fair and I went to help out and do what I do best, which is interact with people. I was a machine, man. Promoting, handing out cards, talking up the studio, hawking and jiving like a veteran carnie. I had so much fun. So much fun that I didn't notice the sun searing into my skin until it was too late and I have a nasty sunburn and a bad case of sun poisoning that knocked me flat on my ass yesterday. *ouch*

I am blown away at how nice everyone at the studio is. I have self confidence issues when it comes to people being this nice to me. I wasn't the most popular girl in school (I wasn't the most unpopular...somewhere in the middle) and the really pretty, popular girls wanted nothing to do with me. I was friends with a lot of the guys because I was football manager but it was a tenuous relationship at best. So I don't know how to react when the pretty popular girls at the studio are nice to me and include me in everything.

There are three Ashleys. Brunette, blond and raven haired. They are all about 15. You can tell by looking at them that they are the "popular" girls wherever they go and from what I can tell, they love me. They wanted me to hang out with them at the fair, they asked me to shop with them. I am at least 9 years older, so I think I have been elevated to the cool "older sister" status, but the little 15 year old girl is still in me that used to get picked on by these types of girls. I am still a little taken back that they want me to hang out.

There is also an 18 year old who is not only beautiful, but she is also the world champion in continuous full contact fighting. Her and her boyfriend were at the dinner on Saturday night and I was hanging out in the back to watch the promotions and she called me up to sit with them (and the Ashleys) in the front. I couldn't believe it.

The guys like me (guys always like me). These ones don't tease me and aren't mean to me at all though.

I almost don't trust the nice behavior. I feel like I am being set up. Part of me knows that I am not and is trying to convince the little girl inside that I have changed since high school. I have better qualities that allow people to see the real me. I have to work on letting people see me and accepting that they do like me.

Anyone who knows me would never think that I could be shy and insecure. There are those (one) that know me well enough to know I AM shy and insecure. I don't WANT to be shy and insecure anymore.

No more hiding behind a brunette waterfall
No more masking insecurity with self deprecation
No more dodging intimacy with a swirl of flirtation
I want to be me, unabashed and unashamed
No longer shackled by the past


Blogger The Viking said...

get crazy and do it alone

3:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No more hiding behind a brunette waterfall"

heh. thats a good way to put it.


5:30 AM  

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