Friday, August 20, 2004


I am driving up the coast to my parents house in Morro Bay tomorrow. My Nan (grandma) is dying and my mom doesn't think she will last out the week. They weren't even sure if she was going to last until I got there. HammieLove and I were planning on leaving tomorrow morning, but he has come down with a really nasty cold/sore throat and is not up to the drive. So I am doing the 6 hour San Diego-Morro Bay drive alone.

And tomorrow is HL and my 5 year anniversary. And we won't be together. And this will be last time I will see Nan.

Is it cool that I just want to crawl under my desk and cry?

I don't know how to deal with death. I know that it is unevitable. I know that Nan has had a good life and is ready to go join Grandad in the Wherever Forever After. I only have two grandparents left out of six (counting my stepdad's parents). Nan and Grandma. Grandma is senile. Nan is fading. I was young when my other grandparents died and it never really affected me. I was never a really emotional kid anyway, didn't cry when anyone died, unless it was a pet.

That all changed when my childhood friend, Jimmy, was killed in a drunk driving accident when he was 19 and I was 15. That devastated me and changed me forever. I now cry at the drop of a hat when there is something sentimental or sad in a book (When Harry's uncle died in Book 5? I sobbed through the rest of the book.), movie or TV show, I break down and cry.

And now I am "in touch" with these feelings, this will be the first time I will have to deal with the death of someone close to me. Someone who was there for me throughout my entire childhood.

Nan taught me how to be a proper, respectable young lady. 50 years after coming to America, she still has an impeccable British accent. Her favorite color is blue and her entire house is done with blue accents. She always smells like expensive perfume. She was immaculate and would clean her house from top to bottom every Monday.

Nan lost her first husband in WWII. She gave birth to his son, Anthony, on the floor of the hospital hallway while an air raid rained bombs down around the building. She remarried to my Grandad and had Phil, who is my stepdad. Grandad and Nan had just celebrated their 50th anniversary when he passed away. And she survived. Nan discovered country music (she loves Garth Brooks) and loves to watch Spongebob with my nephew, Dylan. She would sit in her favorite chair with her Spongebob pillow that I bought her cushioning her back.

Nan is a two time cancer survivor, breast and colon. Liver cancer is what is taking her away.

Third time wasn't the charm.

She raised two sons, one who became a general in the Air Force, who commanded the Stealth Fighter unit and flew missions in the first Gulf War. Her other son retired from the LA County Sherriff's Department after 23 years. Nan has 7 grandchildren. Me, my sister, my three brothers and 2 cousins. She will be survived by 6 and joining Jason (killed at 22 in a motorcycle accident) who is waiting with Grandad.

The little girl in me wants to stay at home, bury my head in the sand.

I know I have to suck it up and think of her. I don't even know if she will know that I am there.

I think she'll know, if not on earth but Elsewhere.


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