Saturday, June 17, 2006

Negative X

Fuck you. I need you right now and you are being ambiguous and clandestine?

No one understands. They try but there is no one that sees me. You can and you do but you are so caught up in whatever and whoever that I am out here alone.

My heart has been, and always will be, a vulnerable thing. I'll take on that hurt until I find the one being that won't hurt me.

Stop playing games with me. Tell me that you are coming home sometime this summer. Tell me you are truly happy. Tell me something other than "wait."

You told me once to be cautious of who I consider my "friends" but the one who I hold in highest regard, who knows my soul, holds himself back from me. Cuts me.

What are you afraid of?


Blogger xianfu said...

interesting blog here...It got me addicted on reading it.. Keep it up.. leave me some comment too at my blog InvernoKL wanna have ur words on it.. :p take care, xian

ps: a hamster eye view??. thats cute.. lolz

3:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Initri, how hard it must be for you. People try to understand you but you won't let them in. You are so alone. It's so good for you that you aren't 3000 miles away from the people you know and love, I don't know how you would cope. I'm glad you're comforatble enough with someone that you can reach out to them for help. Someone who really understands you.

I'm sorry I'm so caught up in whatever it is I am caught up with that I can't tend to you. All my problems are small and meaningless, right? You should ask yourself why I'm acting the way I am, and not accuse me of playing games. Do you remember where I live? How far is that from my family and friends? Who do I have to reach out to?

I am not coming home this summer. Maybe fall. The end of what I've been doing for the past four years happens this summer.

I've never been happy. I've never been satisfied. I'm really fucking done with the one-way streets that girls maintain.

Of course I told you to be cautious of your friends, me included. I'm not trying to manipulate you into only trusting me, I'm trying to get you to only trust in yourself. You have the burden of a great potential, but it will never see fruition if you don't stop relying on the comfort of others. Friendship is a luxury. It falls under the relationship umbrella, and no relationship will work if you can't trust and love yourself first. Read that again, carefully.

I'm really sorry to have to say such scathing thigns to you, but you have to look past your mirror before you say things like you did in this post.

For the record, I know you're thinking that this all has to do with 'someone', but it doesn't. We aren't even together anymore, nor do we live together, as of a few weeks ago. My problems are my own right now, and I am taking them on alone. I'm sorry I have to force you to do the same.

XianFu -

I know this is in a public forum, that's why these posts are anonymized. Likewise, obviously I don't care if anyone reads them. But we are still real people dealing with shit in our own lives, and this is not here for your fucking amusement. 'Keep it up'? Go watch the real world or something else on a similar cognitive level of entertainment. Or maybe you could have something useful to say?

1:37 PM  

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