Wednesday, May 19, 2004

A life without confidence is a tough life indeed. They needn't be friends, however. Sometimes a good rant to a complete stranger can be a very refreshing thing. What you can't do is hide yourself from the world. The masks we wear erode on the outside, and stagnate the inside.

Do you think that things happen for a reason? Do you really? Have you thought about what the world is telling you? Have you thought about the significant events that transpired up to this point, and how they affected your path? What path are you on? Do you intend on learning from your path? Do vague philosophical questions annoy you? ;)

- X

I didn't want this conversation to happen in the comments...

The mask comment hit home. I DO wear a mask. I am fully aware of this. Hammie is a happy girl, everyone expects her to be fun, perky, to make them feel better when they are down. There are times ( like lately) when I just can't be that girl. A lot of people are surprised to find out that I was a goth when I was younger. When I was dressed like a goth, people didn't EXPECT me to be perky. It was nice to be relieved of the pressure. I wish I could do that now. The mask is cracking though and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am coming to a realization that the mood swings and sadness are not something that can be whisked away with a good song or a hug and kiss. The perfect stranger thing looks to be my route via counseling. I just have to work up the courage to make the call.

Do I believe things happen for a reason? Yeah, I do. Really I do. I also believe in following my instincts, which so far in life have fared me well. With HammieLove, as soon as I packed my bag, I knew I was wrong. It took a trip down memory lane to jar my thinking to the right place and realize that I WAS doing the wrong thing. Thank god I realized it before it was too late.

As for my path, I don't know where exactly I am going. I know the kind of person that I want to be and I know where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there. I have my partner in crime who is incredibly patient and loving who is willing to help me get there. We have grown together immensely over the past five years and I know that we have a long way to go.

Philosophical questions don't bother me. :) As long as you don't mind the long winded answers!


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