Saturday, November 13, 2004


The depression is looming like a dark cloud on the edge of my conciousness. I can sense it and occasionally there is a little cloudburst that rains on my parade. I look for light, pray for light, but I can't fight off the encroaching night.

I thought the Adderall would be the answer, treating my ADD, clearing my mind. It's true I can focus now, but I don't think focusing on anxiety is what I need to be doing.

I went on another 40 hour wide awake binge on Wednesday night. Almost had another one last night before succumbing at 3:00 to welcome rest.

My temper is out of hand. I know it without being told and since I am being told on a consistent basis, I am most definitely aware. I have always been such a passive person when it came to my own feelings. Never making waves, always avoiding the argument because intimacy/friendship/family/peace was always more important than being right, feeling vindicated, or demanding respect. Deflect and defer with a quick smile or ditzy gesture and bury the pain.

The medicine has brought the pain to surface. I want to be respected. I want to be bold and outrageous and so help you if you get in my way. I want to be unequivocally first in someones life, and I want to be TOLD that I am first, SHOWN, not be expected to KNOW. Burying what I feel is not the answer, and were it the answer, I would tell it Fuck Off anyway.

My sister says my anger is from growing up. I am not angry about that. I am angry that I get fought every step of the way on EVERYTHING. Things I know alot about, things I am intuitively good at. Always being questioned and second guessed.

It's hard to discover confidence in yourself and simultaneously discover that no one has confidence in you.

I have rage bubbling up inside me, getting stuck in my throat. It makes me want to scream.

I think I need a shrink.

It has been hard for me this week to put myself out there to potential employers. The examination and judgement. I know at least one company, one that I have coveted a job at for years, has found me desirable. I am waiting on the final terms and "You're hired" call to come, but I tentatively have a job there. And an offer for a sales position from another company. And a couple more interviews. I feel so good walking out of these places with words of praise still echoing in my mind. They SEE something in me. The guy who offered me a sales position is a published author of sales and marketing books. He SAW something in me during my interview for an assistant position. He asked me to take the risk on him, not vice versa. I always thought I was a little young to go into sales but he offered to teach me, mentor me. He said he saw my spark.

Why can't anyone who KNOWS me see that spark?

The jury is still out on whether or not this helped, but I am going to plaster that smile on my face and go on with my day.

Hammie is the Happy girl, right? Happy until the end.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hammie owes X a phone call.


10:23 AM  

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