Thursday, May 04, 2006


Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes is always an enlightening experience. I got two different perspectives today.

My Sensei came in and had dinner at the restaurant today. I took his table even though it was on the opposite side of the restaurant from my section. My co-workers noticed that I was running myself ragged and through that, the ones who didn't know about my martial arts found out. Later in the night when we were doing our sidework, one of the other waitresses was laughing as she told me that she had thought I was this sweet, innocent young thing and tonight she finds out that I am a "gnarly" fighter and that I sell pipes as a second job. She said, "My first impression was WRONG!"

I had been kind of bothered by the fact that the normal playing around that happens in the back by the wait staff hadn't extended to me. I am super nice to everyone and I didn't understand why I felt like an outsider. A couple of the girls that I have hung out with outside of work explained that everyone viewed me as the innocent (which to anyone who knows me is completely laughable!) At least that explained that.

Then I went to a friend's house to hang out tonight and there was a girl there that I hadn't really talked to that much. We were out on the patio drinking and she told me that she had heard that I was standoffish and bitchy.


I realized that my shyness in some social situations and lack of experience with the party scene had come off as being "too good" for some people.

I don't know HOW to act like them. I don't want to come off as too crazy or out there. I HATE DRAMA, so I sit back and watch. Plus, my attention span doesn't lend to hanging out and conversing on things for too long.

I still have trouble reconciling in my mind that these fun, beautiful girls would actually WANT to hang out with me. That little girl that was shunned for so long in school still rears her ugly duckling head in my brain.

I don't know where I fit in. That is why I made the huge life shift that I made in the first place. That is why I am not with the man I love. I am supposed to be discovering myself.

It looks like it might be a longer journey than I had anticipated...


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