Argh

I am tired. Exhausted.

Loren was sick yesterday, so I took care of him and I had to drive an hour and a half to go make sales calls for work. I got hopelessly lost and the few stores that I did manage to make it to didn't buy anything. It was all over just a tiring and frustrating day.

The bright side was that Loren bought me a little five gallon fish tank while I was gone. I got a Betta fish, a couple of other little pretty fish and a FROG! :) I am very happy when I look at my little tank. And he got some pretties for our big tank. Our living room looks spectacular now with all the tanks.

I have to work at the restaurant tonight. I just want to go to sleep!

I need a 24 oz. Rock Star, stat!

Oh man.

I am tired. EXHAUSTED. Last week was my first week back working full time at my day job and keeping up the same schedule of 25 hours a week at the restaurant. I can't believe how shattered I am. I have to work tonight and between the two jobs, the first day I will have off in 14 days is this coming up Sunday.

I am trying so hard to not be grumpy at Loren. He is being really supportive and understanding and he gives me props for my work ethic. I just have to keep it up for a couple of months and I will be out of debt and have a nice balance in my checking account. Thousands of people work two jobs to survive and support their families, I can do it just for a couple of months.

I am tired though.

I have to go buy a new cell phone tomorrow to replace the one that got stolen. Grrrr. That is a hundred dollars that I don't need to spend.

On the bright side... ONE MONTH UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!! *yay*

I realized last night that while I would get my feelings hurt by all those guys that rejected me, stood me up, or played me when I was single, I was seriously guarding my heart of hearts. Now that I am getting serious with Loren, I feel that wall starting to drop and I am letting myself be vulnerable. It scares the crap out of me.

After everything that I did to HL, why do I deserve to have a happy relationship? I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop now. Everything is perfect as Loren and I settle into our little domestic routine. I am really truly scared that something is going to go wrong and that I am going to get my heart broken.

I was quietly contemplating this last night and L noticed the lack of my normal cheery demeanor. We started discussing it and he thought that I still had feelings for HL, which is TOTALLY not the case. I have been over that for a while. HL can still upset me, which he did yesterday because he adamantly refuses to give my bike back to me, but I so do not have romantic feelings towards him. In fact, the more that I learn about some of his actions now and what he may have done during our relationship, the more I feel like I didn't know him at all.

Anyway, Loren is afraid of being hurt too. He got devestated by his last long term girl and even though that was a couple of years ago, he is still dealing with the emotional repercussions. I think that is the reason why we are taking things slow emotionally. True, we have moved in together relatively quickly, but we are definitely moving slower with our feelings.

I am trying to find the balance of holding on too tightly because I am afraid of losing him and being aloof because I am afraid of being hurt. I get light headed just thinking about it.

He held me last night and told me that I mean so much to him and he is glad that we are together. I feel the same way so I am just going to hang on for the ride and see what future brings.

So I went back to work full time this week. And I am updating my blog right now... I am so good.

I feel so out of touch with my customers. Another salesperson has been handling them for the past six months and I just don't know what is going on with them. I have a feeling that it is going to take me a little bit to get situated. Of course, I won't make any money until then...

Loren is getting me a kitten! One of our friend's has kittens to give away and Loren said I can get one for my birthday. *yay* I am so excited.

Bucs lost BIG TIME on Sunday. My boy Gruden had better get his team together. I don't think I could watch a slaughter like that every week.

My big question this week is ...

Am I going to be able to coerce Loren into watching Dancing with the Stars with me? :)