Yay England!

Beautiful free kick by Beckham today! It was so awesome being at the pub when he scored -- the whole place went up in cheers and as the clock wound down (or up as you would have it) one of the bartenders put on "We Are The Champions." It was cool. :) My new red England jersey is officially my "lucky" jersey.

I talked to my Jonny again today. Funny how just one conversation can put such a smile on my face. He was pure comedic gold once he saw my weekend guest ( a VERY misplaced and not to be repeated invitation to an old friend) and started ripping on him. I was cracking up so hard that I woke up the slumbering beast from the couch (where he spent the majority of the weekend.)

I had a good day at work tonight. It was slow but I still managed to make about $80. I'll have my rent for July paid soon enough and I can turn towards paying off my cell bill and buying my ticket to England! (I'm such an Anglophile lately -- that's the word, right? It's all my Jonny's fault!) This whole working two jobs thing is taking a bit of a toll but it will all be worth it in the end.

It was effing hot today. Close to or over ninety degrees with over ninety percent humidity. Ugh. I should have been at the beach.

Oh and I learned some HTML and got to pimp my MySpace out a little bit! Check it out!

I never said that your problems are meaningless. How do I know that you are having problems when you won't talk to me?

Oh I am so frustrated right now.

To be honest, I am actually kind of enjoying being alone. I have been taking time to appreciate it lately instead of filling all of my time with boys and booze.

I just miss you, that's all.

What's Left Of Me

I am learning this song on guitar and I really like the lyrics...

Watch my life
Pass me by
In the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadows of my mistakes
Yeah

'Cause I want you and I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burning
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken and I'm faded
I'm half the girl I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
No where to go, going out of my mind
In endless circles
Running from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

'Cause I want you and I feel you
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burning
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken and I'm faded
I'm half the girl I though I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me something to believe in
Tell me its not all in my head

(Chorus)

Hopefully I will be able to do it justice after some practice...

*ugh*

I don't feel good. I was walking on air when I left for work today after I chatted with Jonny.

Everything went downhill from there. My throat was hurting and then my head started spinning. I got cut early and was doing my sidework when I picked up a cheesebowl and all fell down. The cheesebowls have napkins in them that cover the bags of parmesan. Someone had placed a water pitcher on the edge of one of the napkins. So when I picked up the cheesbowl, the water pitcher fell over...all over a customer.

*sigh*

I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.

Randomness

I feel so accomplished this week!

I stayed in on Thursday and rearranged my room. I got rid of all of Eric's daughter's things and really set up an "adult" room, complete with my huge air mattress (which will have to do until I can afford a bed.) I have my pictures on the wall and I feel like I finally have a haven of my own to retreat to.

I went out with my friends, Aaron and Jeremy on Friday night. We just went to Church and hung out, had some beers. They introduced me to another of their friends, who was super cute but I think I am slowing down on the dating thing anyway. Working two jobs is putting a cramp in my style!

Saturday I went to the beach with Jaime (our second date). We relaxed out at Dog Beach with his doggie. That was fun, but then I had to go to work... *sigh* Seventh day straight...

But THEN... THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED!

My Jonny called! He called, he called, he called...all the way from England. That was the BEST thing EVER! Such a sexy voice to go with that cute face and sweet heart. I can't wait to visit him in October. Best birthday present ever!

We just chatted about things for a couple of minutes because it was very late for me and very expensive for him. It is hard to believe that I have so much chemistry with someone from so far away. October is going to be awesome.

Eric and I cleaned the house today and I hung out by the pool. Then back to work...eighth day straight. I wonder how long before I collapse.

I just found out we are in danger of being evicted. I already paid my rent but E is having some financial difficulties so I am scrambling to help him get back on his feet too. So the two jobs will continue for a good while. But then, I can buy my ticket to London, buy a bed and buy some new clothes. Oh and pay off my cell bill.

Now I am tired...going to go sleep in my clean clean room!

Oh yeah...P.S. I have decided that I am writing a book titled "Plenty of Fish" More details later!

Negative X

Fuck you. I need you right now and you are being ambiguous and clandestine?

No one understands. They try but there is no one that sees me. You can and you do but you are so caught up in whatever and whoever that I am out here alone.

My heart has been, and always will be, a vulnerable thing. I'll take on that hurt until I find the one being that won't hurt me.

Stop playing games with me. Tell me that you are coming home sometime this summer. Tell me you are truly happy. Tell me something other than "wait."

You told me once to be cautious of who I consider my "friends" but the one who I hold in highest regard, who knows my soul, holds himself back from me. Cuts me.

What are you afraid of?

HATE

I hate you for saying sweet things to me, like that I am beautiful.
I hate you for touching me tenderly and holding me while I slept.
I hate you for saying you wanted that picture of me.
I hate you for standing me up. AGAIN.
I hate you for making me cry.

I hate myself for being excited about our stupid date.
I hate myself for working so hard and so fast to get off early for you.
I hate myself for calling you to see where you were. And finally discovering you turned your phone off.
I hate myself for crying, for being sad, for being heartbroken.
I hate myself for being vulnerable.
I hate myself for having hope.
I hate myself for believing in someone else.
I hate myself for missing you.

Fucking tears.

Moving On

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long

I'm moving on.

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I faced it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong.

I'm moving on.

I'm moving on, at last I can see
Life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantee
That I'm not alone
There comes a time in everone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind
That those days are gone.

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I loved like I should and lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness with find me somewhere down this road.

I'm moving on.

--Rascal Flatts

I have been identifying with this song lately. The lyrics hit pretty close to home. And it keeps popping into my head and life, from the guitar tabs to Myke's Ipod last night.

I am gonna try to keep moving on, even when i keep getting my bell rung.

I was in a bad mood last night, by the way. That should explain my rant.

FUCK

Fuck boys.

Fuck friends.

Fuck cold shoulders.

Fuck liars, players, and haters.

Fuck. My. Life.

Just FUCK.

What A Day

1. Got up at NINE AM. Ugh...considering I didn't go to sleep until five.

2. Drove Eric to work since his car is still in impound.

3. Discovered the gnarly bruise on my collarbone from grappling with John.

4. Drive John home and leave to meet Ryan for breakfast.

5. Get stuck in traffic. Traffic so bad it makes me a half hour late to breakfast.

6. Have a lovely breakfast, have ABSOLUTELY no chemistry.

7. See old friends, Chris and Eyn, driving down the street. Catch up with them and stop for a drink while they have lunch, therefore making myself late for picking up Eric to pick up his car.

8. Rush home only to get a flat tire. Put air in the tire and drive to tire repair store, noticing on the way that ex-HL is at the dive shop.

9. Do a U-turn and go to shop to say hi. Hang out and talk when a red head comes in.

10. Get introduced to ex-HL's new love, who I have never met and who doesn't particularly like me.

11. Come home after getting tire fixed (for free, thank you God for making me a girl.) and have a wonderful chat with Jonny.

12. Obtain MAJOR headache but head off to work...

13. Work a party with a new server, who is slow by proxy and who leaves me with all the sidework.

14. Go next door to Applebee's to see friends and get cold shoulder from best friend.

15. Call Myke and he has to go to sleep for work tomorrow.

16. Sit home, typing stupid lists and wishing you had a shoulder to cry on.

I'm exhausted and lonely. I need a hug. I need my mom. I need x. Just someone to talk to.

Shattered

My roomie came home tonight so we went out to Church to celebrate.

I am so drunk.

Woot!

Life is numb right now, which makes it beautiful.

I could float here forever.

All Things British, Among Other Things

I have decided that I am treating myself to a trip to London for my birthday in October.

Of course to do this, I need money.

So I went back to California Vapor and got a part time gig doing delivery and some sales. A daily rate and a smaller commission percentage but they are working around my restaurant schedule so it is all good.

My Jonny is going to provide lodging and be my tour guide, so it shouldn't be too expensive. Plus with such a handsome guide, I know I will have fun! :)

I figure the extra money that I earn will also help me buy a bed. The cot is getting old. I think I may just get an air mattress in the meantime.

World Cup is here and since I hang out at the local English pub (and with the influence of a certain friend) I am catching the fever. Churchill's will be open whenever there is a game on, so guess where I will be at 6am on Saturday morning? On a barstool, Guiness in hand, rooting on England. I am even going to get a cute little English "football" jersey. This should be fun!

Graduation season is here and that means busy busy restaurant. We have been SLAMMED the past two nights. Good for my wallet, bad for my brain.

I was in a super good mood tonight, thanks to a visit from a certain Marine. Myke and I have been hanging out a lot lately and I am stoked. Still very sad that he is moving to Sacramento in September for a recruiting position, but we will have a good summer. Plus how can I resist when he shows up at my door in uniform? I practically swooned. :)

I am a little tired but I think I will head out to Church. I could go for some music, friends and Guiness tonight!

Contradiction

I want your eyes to devour me whole, and hold promises of tomorrow and the day after next.

I want your mouth to kiss me breathless and to whisper words of love and devotion in my ear.

I want your fingers tangled in my hair and entwined with mine as we drift off to sleep.

I want your arms to pull me against you and to wrap around me when I am sad.

I want your shoulder to bite and muffle my screams and to lean on when the world is against me.

I want your heart to beat wildly against my chest and for it to leap when you see my face, or hear my voice.

I want your feet here, always here, never to lead you away from me again.

*yawn*

Bored Bored Bored Bored Bored Bored!!!!

My date tonight was too tired to come over, my Dream Guy from last night thought I had plans all this weekend (which I did...at least until Brady fell asleep!) so he went to Long Beach to visit his brother, and I turned down hanging out with Nate because, again, I thought I had plans.

So here I sit, bored with beer in hand, too wired to go to sleep. Alone. *sigh*

I think I will read my book and smoke until Jonny wakes up. He is my Brit Boy Toy and seeing that smile always makes me happy.

Seems a little boy crazy, huh?

I am honestly having so much fun. It gets a little crazy at times but I have been meeting some really fun and interesting people. Not all of them are prospects. I hung out with a couple of guys on Wednesday who were just friends. We went to Church and partied it up.

Eric, my roomie, told me he wishes I would slow down just so he can keep their names straight. Not that I am sleeping around, I have just been accepting more dates lately. Of course, I had a brain fade and forgot one of their names the other night (only for a second!) but it still makes me laugh.

But the one last night....

That's trouble.

Myke is a Marine stationed at Pendleton. We met on the online dating site that I have been on for the past couple of months. We chatted, on IM and the phone and then he asked me to dinner. A week in advance. That to me was such a breath of fresh air. Most guys ask me out to drinks that night. It is completely obvious what they are interested in, and it ain't my blue eyes.

So I have had a week to anticipate this...

When we met at Joe's Crab Shack, it was awesome. Very tall, very cut, very cute. Funny, polite but still enough of a bad boy to keep me interested. We chatted over beers and crab legs about our families (he has a little boy) and our lives.

He asked me out dancing and we went to a club near my house. Oh boy, does this guy have MOVES! It was awesome. We only stayed at the club for about an hour because we couldn't talk over the music.

Back to my house for a couple of beers and conversation... And the boy who had MOVES on the floor? Made no move on me. Just talked and kissed me a little but no pressure to put out. He even slept over because my roomie is out of town and I am scared. Still no pressure. Just a warm body to keep me safe. I haven't slept that well in months.

We just kept looking at each other and tripping out about how comfortable we were. He played that song "I'm Sprung" for me and we just laughed about it.

Kind of caught off guard and breathless about this. I'm still a bit cynical about guys but I am very interested and excited to see what is going to happen.

I'm Sprung

I had the most amazing date last night... Dinner, dancing with a handsome, respectful, awesome guy named Myke. I have been on Cloud Nine all day.


:)