Easy Come, Easy Go

I had a feeling that it was too good to be true and I think the lesson here is that you should always go with you gut. After four days of working my ass for the paintball company, learning procedure and catching up the department (blowing away the other new girl who had no brain and a week's head start on me), they laid me off last Monday. Apparently, after the backlog of work got caught up, they "realized" that they didn't need two people to do customer service and since the BDI had a week seniority over me, they let me go. I was totally devestated. My dream job snatched away after four days and given to a girl who didn't care about the customers, her job, the company or the sport.

I feel like I have been looking for a job for two months. Actually, December 15th is three months since I left my sales assistant job. I am having the worst luck finding a good position. I got offered a job by my sensei to work in the gym that is attached to the karate studio. It is a part time gig, but I figured if I could find another part time admin or nanny job, I could fit going to school in during the day. HL is okay with it as soon as he gets full time work. I am just tired of looking for a job right now.

I felt I had earned taking the week off, so I focused on getting our RV ready for the desert. I have never sewn before but I still managed to make slip covers, curtains, and pillows for our RV. With a new paint job and a tile floor (done by HL) our old 1978 RV looks as good as new on the inside.

HL's sister and family are down from Oregon. After spending over a week with them, and spending five days in the desert with the rest of our family, I am ready to be alone. I guess I never noticed how much I like being by myself, or just with HL sometimes. I guess that goes away when you have kids though, huh?

We had a good T-giving in the desert. The weather was beautiful and the riding was fun. We did have one mishap when three other girls and I went riding on our own. We misjudged the distance, got separated, two of us ran out of gas (one being me), got separated again, the end result being that I had to beg gas off of a couple of guys and ride the 13 miles back to camp, by myself, after dark, in a tank top in 50 degree weather. It was quite an adventure. Luckily, all bikes and broads got home safe that night and we rode again the next day.

And no crashes for me this weekend, thank you very much.

I am off to check on everyone else, but have no fear, I will be back on a more regular basis soon, I hope.

*yay*

I got the job that I have been coveting!! I started today and I KNOW that I am going to love it here. So much fun and everyone is really nice.

Don't have much time to update but I wanted everyone to know that I am feeling a lot happier. Things have been going well since my purge.

*mwah*

purge

The depression is looming like a dark cloud on the edge of my conciousness. I can sense it and occasionally there is a little cloudburst that rains on my parade. I look for light, pray for light, but I can't fight off the encroaching night.

I thought the Adderall would be the answer, treating my ADD, clearing my mind. It's true I can focus now, but I don't think focusing on anxiety is what I need to be doing.

I went on another 40 hour wide awake binge on Wednesday night. Almost had another one last night before succumbing at 3:00 to welcome rest.

My temper is out of hand. I know it without being told and since I am being told on a consistent basis, I am most definitely aware. I have always been such a passive person when it came to my own feelings. Never making waves, always avoiding the argument because intimacy/friendship/family/peace was always more important than being right, feeling vindicated, or demanding respect. Deflect and defer with a quick smile or ditzy gesture and bury the pain.

The medicine has brought the pain to surface. I want to be respected. I want to be bold and outrageous and so help you if you get in my way. I want to be unequivocally first in someones life, and I want to be TOLD that I am first, SHOWN, not be expected to KNOW. Burying what I feel is not the answer, and were it the answer, I would tell it Fuck Off anyway.

My sister says my anger is from growing up. I am not angry about that. I am angry that I get fought every step of the way on EVERYTHING. Things I know alot about, things I am intuitively good at. Always being questioned and second guessed.

It's hard to discover confidence in yourself and simultaneously discover that no one has confidence in you.

I have rage bubbling up inside me, getting stuck in my throat. It makes me want to scream.

I think I need a shrink.

It has been hard for me this week to put myself out there to potential employers. The examination and judgement. I know at least one company, one that I have coveted a job at for years, has found me desirable. I am waiting on the final terms and "You're hired" call to come, but I tentatively have a job there. And an offer for a sales position from another company. And a couple more interviews. I feel so good walking out of these places with words of praise still echoing in my mind. They SEE something in me. The guy who offered me a sales position is a published author of sales and marketing books. He SAW something in me during my interview for an assistant position. He asked me to take the risk on him, not vice versa. I always thought I was a little young to go into sales but he offered to teach me, mentor me. He said he saw my spark.

Why can't anyone who KNOWS me see that spark?

The jury is still out on whether or not this helped, but I am going to plaster that smile on my face and go on with my day.

Hammie is the Happy girl, right? Happy until the end.

THE HUNT GOES ON...

I had my first interview this morning with a window replacement company. I had a shirt on that has a sort of plunging neckline (still professional though, thank you) and was amused to see the lobby get extremely busy with traffic from the salesmen. I think the interview went well, I liked the owner of the company. He seemed very concerned with my history of "personality conflicts" with my previous jobs. I made the mistake of putting my last job on the application because I didn't want to look like I had been unemployed for two months. He wondered why I didn't "fit in" there and was also concerned because I had been terminated from my first professional job.

I got fired from that job because I interviewed for another company. The company that I was at was the most nepotistic place I had ever seen. It was also my first experience working in an environment with older women. The two women that HATED me were 1. the wife of the operations manager 2. the girlfriend of one of the top salesmen. Both of them were good friends with a guy who worked for the company I interviewed for. I went as a guest of this guy to a concert and he tried to take advantage of me when I was drunk. If I hadn't woken up when I did, it might have been date rape. So I offended him by not staying passed out long enough for him to have sex with me. HE saw ME at his office when I interviewed, called Bitches 1 and 2, who told my boss, who had me fired.

I didn't tell that to the guy I interviewed with today, but he knew there were conflicts with the women in the office, especially ones whose spouses worked with me. He said he could see the women being threatened by a young, confident, attractive woman. I still don't know if that is good or bad.

I had to do a spelling test (necessary, receipt, colonel) and do a math problem and then we chatted. He said he would be making a decision tomorrow afternoon, so I guess I will know sooner than later, right?

I think I won't even mention my last job anymore. I think being unemployed for two months is better than trying to explain why I couldn't work in a hostile and poorly managed office.

Two more interviews tomorrow and a "go-see" for a paintball company that I really want to work for. They will be at a tournament in San Diego, so I am going to go meet the girl that is hiring.

And TVJ, the country club that I was hoping for hired someone with a ton of golf course experience. I got a LETTER three weeks later. I am glad I didn't hold out for that one!

Yeah, well, apparently I didn't "fit in." I think this stems from the concerns I shared this morning about the Controlling Controller who had exclusive knowledge of the server and other aspects of the computer system. She scolded me this morning for fixing my own printer and said that she was the only one who was "allowed" to work on the the CPU's. I metioned to the boss that it was a dangerous situation to only have one person with the knowledge...what happens if she got critically ill? I volunteered to learn some of the basics so I could help out in case of an emergency.

I guess that was not "fitting in."

The office was poorly managed and he didn't seem to want to do anything about it. Fitting in to them is sitting quietly while everything self destructs or deteriorates into chaos.

They saved me from having to quit. I was discussing doing just that when I had lunch with HL 15 minutes before the "talk."

So if anyone knows of any jobs, let me know...

WHOA

I totally just got let go...

More later...

Responses

Clara - thank you!

TVJ - I expect you to call them out on the carpet for screwing up. I like looking at things from a different perspective and reading your blog helps me do that. Oh, and right back atcha! *wink*

GT - Hope is all we need. Or is that love? *smooches*

X- Project for a New American wha-? *runs off to google* Have you read your book and is your blanket keeping you warm? BTW, everyone at karate thought you were my boyfriend!

I am still feeling sick for the FOURTH day in a row and I am supposed to test for three belts in karate on Saturday. I was going for four, but between getting ready for the desert and being sick when we got back, I haven't trained in over a week. I will go tonight, fever or not.

GreenTuna said...

I'd be all for making the best of it. Working in a bipartisan fashion. Striving for the betterment of every human on this planet. But then I see who is in the White House... And I count the number of Supreme Court Justices about to retire... And I fear greatly for women's rights, freedom of religion, freedom of expression, the advancement of scientific research to cure cancer and diabetes... and the list goes on and on. All I can say is to the Republicans who now control the House, the Senate and the White House...PLEASE prove me wrong. Then you can happy dance, shake your booty and wave like you just don't care all day long. And I'll join you.

Considering I am pretty moderate about a lot of things (and downright liberal about a couple of things), I understand your trepidation. I also trust that our President, his Cabinet, and Congress are going to look out for the best interests of Americans at large.

I am pro-life. Would I want Roe v. Wade overturned? Nope. Do I think it would actually ever happen? Nope. No one wants to see history repeat itself with back alley abortions and the like.

I am pro gay marriage. In my opinion, that falls in line with the "less government" train of thought. I think Bush is off his rocker with the amendment idea. I also think that HE knows it is never going to happen and he can keep the extremely conservative side the GOP happy by being so vocal about it.

I am pro-stem cell research. Hell, California just passed a bill that would make our state the leaders in funding for stem cell research and I voted for it. I have a friend with MS that could benefit greatly from the research and my vote was a vote for her. I don't think the government can stop this movement. Our society loves technology and nothing will get in the way of learning, not even Bush.

I feel like Bush stepped up in a time when America needed him most. I love the fact that he sticks by his convictions, whether I agree with them or not. I love the First Lady. I like the fact that W is a little goofy and I feel confident looking beyond the goofy because I think he has surrounded himself with a strong Cabinet.

If Obama runs for President in '08, if he and I agree on a majority of things, I may vote for him because I get a good vibe when I see him speak.

This whole tirade was to say, "I hear you!" and I will be hoping for the best with you. A united America is possible. I hope that the healing can start now.

*ahem*

*SHAKING MY BOOTY* *DOING A HAPPY DANCE* *THROWING MY HANDS IN THE AIR* *WAVING LIKE I JUST DON'T CARE*

That will be the end of it, I promise.

I would like to say that I respect and admire Senator Kerry for his gracious concession. He had the right and ability to drag out the process and I, for one, am grateful to him for not doing so. I hope that he and Edwards, when they get back to Congress (they do get to be Senators still right?) will lead the charge in trying to unite the Congress and country, to try and diminsh the bi-partisan lines.

I know a lot of you are disappointed (48% of the country, really). I wonder, in my idealistic mind, if we all tried to make the best of it, if we all tried to positive and supportive of our goverment at large, if that would make a difference in itself.

Now I will sit with baited breath for Michael Moore's new expose, OHIO 11/04.

COMEUPPANCE

I know all the results aren't in yet, but since it looks good (and feel free to make fun of me later if things turn around!)...

After a YEAR of getting attacked when I stated I was a Republican...

After a YEAR of getting bullied over issues I believe in...

After a YEAR of getting every bullshit propaganda email forwarded to me...

After FOUR YEARS of hearing people like Michael Moore, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon scream and whine about a "fake" president, popular vote, corruption in Florida, blahblahblah bitchcakes...

After FOUR YEARS of having to defend myself to my liberal "friends" (some of which I have recently found out deserve to be put in quotes), of having to combat people calling me stupid, weak, and a lot of other mean things...

I have one thing to say....

*pppppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff*

Even IF Kerry pulls out Ohio and wins, which would be a miracle, the 4 million votes aren't there to give him the popular vote. So are the people that have been saying that Bush is "fake" because he didn't win the popular in 2000 going to say that THEIR president is fake too?

Probably not.

Although I think it would be EXTREMELY ironic if Kerry won by a contested state and Bush won the popular vote. Even I, a conservative, can see the humor in that.

I let it be known that I am a Republican but I DO NOT jump down peoples throats if they tell me they are a liberal. I enjoy healthy debate and love to engage in educated debates with people I know. I will also walk away, agreeing to disagree, without hard feelings. I was always on the receiving end of emails mocking my President. I didn't send them out because frankly, I don't give a damn.

There is such a (or was, I am not sure how those numbers came out) drought of voters my age; too many kids who are complacent when it comes to important issues and their voice regarding them. I told all of my friends, "I don't care WHO you vote for, just VOTE!" I have a friend who voted for President based on her feelings about ONE issue. She made her decision based on an issue that was important for her, and while a little unorthodox, I love that she didn't get paralyzed by the glut of other issues and not vote at all.

Anyway, I know I am in the minority of my blogger friends as far politics go, so I will resume my normal ADD-fueled babble about HammieLove and the other crises that are affecting me this week, but I wanted a second to gloat. Just know that if Kerry would have won, I would have supported him as President because I think that it is important to unite as a country.

And if he becomes the Ohio Miracle Man, you all can *pppbbbtttttfffff* right back at me!

This Weekend

Without going into business specifics, this weekend was AWESOME! We went out to the desert to ride, celebrate HammieLove's birthday and sponsor our first event. Riding was phenomenal (meaning nothing broke and no one got hurt -- and since I am the one who always gets hurt, that makes it even better!). The weather was great, HL loved all of his presents, D and I got along really well and we all had fun! The event went really well. People were loving the stickers and asking for more. They would slap them on their bikes and cars and wanted to know more, more, more! I think we are going to get a great response from this. We are doing the same thing on Thanksgiving weekend, plus we can sell our product on Thanksgiving, which means we can finally make some money. *yay*

I was a devil for Halloween. I must say that I think the costume went over well. I got a marriage proposal (not from HL, sadly), and a couple requests to become a raffle prize. *blush* Silly boys. I also had some perv take a picture of my rack while I was out riding. My tank top was low cut, granted, but I was helping my friend kick start her bike and some dude slowed down in his truck (I thought to help) and the passenger was taking a picture down my shirt! Not cool at all.

I figure the bright side to that one is if he is showing it off, at least I was wearing a shirt with our logo on it, right? There's no such thing as bad publicity!

People tripped out on my eyes...



They are red cat-eye lenses and they were fun to wear, as long as I wasn't riding.

All in all, it was a really fun and productive weekend and I can't wait for Thanksgiving!!

Did you?