When it rains, it pours.

I am about ready to push my car down a canyon. In July alone, I had a flat tire, locked my keys in my car (not the car's fault, but still) and had to deal with a fickle battery. Dead one minute, fine the next.

This morning, I went to start my car and the silent alarm (that I don't use) decided to engage itself. The key fobs are out of batteries and for some reason, the bypass switch wasn't working. My engine just would not start. HL took me to the bus station to take the express bus downtown, but I had missed the last bus. So I had to wait for HL to take care of some work business (which consisted of picking up a truck an hour away and bringing back to get the tires done at a shop by our house) and then he took me to work. I was, oh, 2 1/2 hours late for work. BossMan was cool about it and thank god, LadyBoss was on a plane to Seattle, so I didn't have to deal with her.

On the bright side, I had time to straighten my hair and do my make-up. So I feel sexy today. Which is important when one is going to get all sweaty at Tae Kwon Do testing. I got my nails done yesterday to match my new belt. It started as a good luck thing when I was a yellow belt, so I have gone through fluorescent orange, lime, green, blue, purple and red nails. But it is hard to explain to your manicurist when you want brown nails with a black stripe down the middle (which is what my next belt will look like).

I have to catch the bus home and then rush to testing. Wish me luck!

Thanks, Blogger!  I got hooked up with a Gmail account today through Blogger.

So email me!!  hamsterranger@gmail.com

Woot!

 

Everything couldn’t be bluebirds and floating hearts for long.

I could strangle HL right now. He called me AT WORK, furious at our bank balance. I wrote a check for HIS hockey league last night, believing that he had deposited his paycheck. The check went through and HL hadn’t deposited his check. I just don’t understand why he is so worked up over it. We didn’t get a chance to talk much last night between his hockey game and my gym time. He mentioned LATER that he hadn’t deposited his check yet but I didn’t think about the check I had wrote and didn’t even think that the guy would deposit it and it would post that quick!

I do not like getting called at work and bitched at and I calmly informed him that he was welcome to take back the checkbook any time he wanted. This is only the second time we have overdrawn in the SEVEN months that I have been doing the finances. There wouldn’t even have been those times if he didn’t fight me so hard on keeping a budget. We make WAY too much money to live paycheck to paycheck.

So he got frustrated and said he had to go.

So now not only do I get to go to a funeral tonight for our family friend (RIP Dave) but now I have to deal with irate HL. I can’t wait to get home tonight! Except not so much.

End Vent…

I lost another pound! That makes 8 total. My company picnic is in two weeks and I hope my total will be around 15 by then.

**We now interrupt this post for an important message**
HammieLove just called and apologized for getting mad. He said that we had been doing so good for so long and we have been scraping the past couple of weeks and he is afraid we are going backwards. Awww, sweet HammieLove. Admits when he was wrong. Reason # 1,253,246 that I Love Him!

Methinks that I have been over at Hamster Time too much.  I haven't been updating!  Or God forbid, I am actually working.  Which I actually have been.  Meds must me working.

They actually ARE working!  I wasn't sure if they were doing what they are supposed to do, but I was only able to take 1/2 my normal dose yesterday and man I was FUCKED UP.  All day.  Until I went to Starbuck and got a mocha.  Then I felt better.  I guess the extra stimulants helped balance me out.  Had I known that, I would have slammed a Red Bull.  I miss my Two Red Bull A Day Makes Hammie A Happy Girl routine.  HL went and picked up my RX for me yesterday so I am back on track.  I was supposed to have an appointment with Doc D. to see how the meds are going, but both Boss' said no.  I asked for the morning off so I wouldn't have to drive round trip downtown twice(since Doc D is near my house) and they said they couldn't spare me.  So I have been really busy this morning right.  Except not.  I was frustrated about it yesterday but I am over it today.

I have lost 7 or so pounds in three weeks.  I discovered that my meds are used for weight loss also so I am not freaking out too much of the extreme side effect of having NO appetite.  I have taken to slamming protein shakes to make sure I am getting some nutrition.  I have also been on the elliptical trainer for 45 mins, 4 or 5 days a week.  It's fun watching the scale going down,down, down!

Testing for my high brown belt on Friday.  I can't wait.

HammieLove and I had such a great talk last night.  I don't know what it was or why last night, but we were able to really discuss how I was feeling when I left him and how he felt.  He said that he felt like he was letting me down by not being "that guy" who wanted to get married right away.  I made a "Five Year Plan" when I fell in love with him and it is not going the way I planned.  I should be married by now according to my plan, but in reality, I wouldn't have it any other way and let him know that.  We talked about marriage and getting engaged.  I asked if he looked at rings on his own (since we went together on my birthday).  He told me to ask Genny (who was my best friend).  I told him that G told me he had put money down on one.

* HL stunned silence* 

"She told you that?  I told her not to tell you!"

*Hammie stunned silence*

"I thought she was lying."

I guess I was wrong!  He said the plan is still the same, but the schedule has changed.  I am okay with waiting .  I definitely want it to happen after he feels more secure with me since my fuck-up.  Which was not really a fuck-up just a fucking wake-up call (for both of us).  He said that even though we were both miserable, he is glad that it happened because it has made us stronger.  He said that I am different now and he thinks that the breakdown motivated me to get help.

I have never been so happy with where I am in life as I am right now.  Life would just be perfect if I could have all my friends with me on the same page.

No word from Genny in months.  She said "Don't bother" and I haven't.  She is moving to NH in three weeks and I think that our friendship has died.  A lot of people have told me that she is no good for me and I can see their point.  That doesn't stop me from missing her though.

Que sera sera, right?

I am Happy Hammie right now and the whole world is the bright side.  There are worse things to be right?

 

I have been so busy lately.

Boss' are driving me up a wall.  I have everything under control but they are getting frantic over the littlest things.  I decided to take RSVP's for all six reps ( I only work for two) in order to have better control on the limited number of tickets available.  LadyBoss heard that and flipped out, saying I don't have the time and we are busy enough blah blah blah bitchcakes.  Then she asked if I printed the invitations out for the other reps and was upset that I designed and printed them myself instead of outsourcing them.  I ALWAYS design and print myself!  It didn't take long and was easier in the long run to just do them.  I don't understand why she is freaking out.  I have been working through lunch, all of her tasks are done in a timely manner.  She is getting worked up over nothing and it is frustrating.  I have to keep better control over the event because SHE is not letting me go since she will be vacationing in Hawaii.  BossMan said he was going to talk to her but I feel she is going to flip out anyway.  But he says that he NEEDS me there, she NEEDS me at the office.  I just wonder if the situation was flipped, she would make him let me go.

*grrrr*

I got to see the floor plan for our new office today.  They have BossMan and LadyBoss sharing an office like they do now, but I am out in a freaking cubicle in the general office area.  I am not happy with this.  How will I screw around on the Internet?  No, seriously, I have enough trouble staying focused as it is.  I can't imagine being in a place where people will be constantly walking by, other phones ringing, conversations happening around me.  It is a worst case scenario for me.  LadyBoss said she would discuss it with BigBoss.  We are not moving until November so I am not going to stress until then.

I am proud of myself because I have worked out three days in a row.  It might not sound big to some people but the difference here is that I *want* to work out.  I was on the elliptical trainer for 35 minutes yesterday (3 miles, bay-bee!) and I would have gone longer but my neighbor was with me and she is not a "gym" person (she joined at the same time as me...why?) and she never lasts long.  I did a quick upper body session and went home.  I felt good though.  I did the gym on Sunday and went to TKD on Monday.  I have TKD class tonight ( I test for my next belt next Friday.)

TKD is going well.  I definitely think my meds help me there because I have been exceeding my performance in the past.  Monday we did mock testing and I did well, although I had on misstep in my form and I didn't break my board.  I have done the break before (jump round kick) with relative ease and my kick looked good, it felt good but the damn board wouldn't break!  After I sat down, my friends were complimenting on how pretty it was but pretty doesn't break boards, dammit!  I will get another shot tonight.  Have to make sure my "ki" is flowing...

Sorry if this is boring...I am venting...

I have been a non-smoker for a week now.  The patch works well to stop the craving but the damn thing keeps falling off!  If I sweat at all, it is gone.  Very frustrating.  I stuck it where my bra will hold it in place, but I think putting it that close to my heart is what is making me jittery today.

I am just kind of pissed off today.  I look forward to TKD where I can go beat shit up.

Blogger's all up and changing things again...
 
*la*la*la*
 
I can't focus today at all!  I am trying but I just end up daydreaming.  Is the medicine not working?  Doesn't feel like it.
 
It is SO cold in my office.  83 degrees outside and like, 50 inside.  I have my heater on.  Everyone thinks I am nuts, but I am freezing!  Cold makes my hands hurt really bad too.
 
My goal was get all the outstanding issues off my desk and I am not even halfway there!  Some of it is easy-peasy, some of it not so much.
 
I am going to work for a 1/2 hour straight.  No breaks, no checking Hamster Time, no screwing around.  I'll check in a 4 and see how I did.

Guess who I am going to see in concert tomorrow?
 
WASP!
 
Do I know who WASP is?  ... Nope
 
Have I ever heard their music? ... Nope
 
Was I ALIVE when they recorded their first album? ... Probably not. (1980...anyone know?)
 
So, anyway, I am going to see WASP tomorrow!  One of HammieLove's best friends from high school is in the band, Cage, who are opening for them.  We are going to watch him (and WASP!)
 
So, WASP!

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Heh. That's not a surprise.

Top O' The Mornin'

So I leave the house ( a little late, granted) and while I am waiting to get on the freeway, a very nice man on a motorcycle points out that I have a flat tire. I pulled over at the next gas station and discover my front left tire is flat as a pancake. I go in the AM/PM to buy Fix-A-Flat. I come out to move my car a little so the valve stem is on the bottom like it is supposed to be, when I discover I locked my keys in my car.

*sigh*

Another day in the life of Hammie. Luckily, I have my knight in shining armor and HammieLove came and rescued me. He even fixed my tire, even though he was in a rush and I could have done it myself. Hammie am spoiled.

LadyBoss is out for the next two days and man am I feeling it! Busy busy!!

6:17 and still at work. Granted, I was catching up at Hamster Time but I worked too! Really, I did.

I have to get out of here since I have karate tonight. I ditched on Monday because of my leg and headache.

Meds are going well. I am not noticing a HUGE difference but then again I thought this was going to be some magical transformation. But I am going to be up to tweaking things around to see if I notice anything else. I am thinking clearer though, which is nice. Doc said it would take a little while to get the right combo anyway.

I got some bummer news today. LadyBoss is heading out of town to Hawaii the first week of August and she leaves on the same day that I booked the Skyroom at the local horse racing track. We do two days a year where all the reps take their clients. I usually go both days because I coordinate and run the events. It is always a lot of fun but it keeps me out of the office for half of the day. She said there was no way that I could go for the entire time. She wants me to go and get everyone set up and then come back. I think I am going to delegate to Jamie to get everyone set up and then join them later. The track is halfway to my house and there is no way I am going to drive there, back downtown and then home. No way in hell.

I started the patch today for smoking. It seems to be working. I have had no cravings though I caught myself going for my smokes out of habit. Hopefully this will work because these things are fucking expensive! Don't want them to be a waste of money.

Shit, I gotta go... till tomorrow...

All is quiet is Blogger World because everyone is over at Hamster Time reading the BB5 recaps (myself included - I am reality TV's bitch.)

I started my medication over the weekend. Adderall, which is in the same family as Ritalin. This shit is SERIOUS stuff! My doc had to get approval from my insurance company, fill out a Federal Narcotics prescription form (in triplicate) and he cannot call in refills. I have to get a new prescription every month. Apparently, it's a controlled substance. Given to a girl who can count on two hands how many times she has gotten high.

It's working though! I noticed at breakfast on Saturday that my head was quiet for once. It used to seem like I constantly had a million running monlogues in my brain. All that went away.

I went out with Dez and some other friends on Saturday to see White Chicks. It was a hilarious movie but what was cool was that Dez commented to HammieLove the next day that I seemed more balanced. Other people could see a difference with just one dose! Too cool.

We all took our bikes to a local track on Sunday. I haven't been on my dirt bike in 4 months, so I was a little anxious. We met some new people and they were all really nice. This one guy, Troy, saw me hesitating at the top of the beginners track (there were LOTS of berms, I hate berms). He came over to talk to me and told me to take it slow and follow him. (A funny thing happened when he did this...HL cut across the track to see who was talking to me. I think it is cute when he gets jealous. He realized who it was though -Troy is married and his wife and kid were there- and he relaxed.) I got all tense and frustrated with myself when I couldn't get the hang of the track.

A realization dawned on me though when I started to get in a bad mood. "I am here to have fun!" I tried to relax and just have fun. I may not be the greatest rider, but I am trying to come back after two pretty bad crashes and no one expects me to be Jeremy McGrath. I was able to talk myself out of a bad mood and I have NEVER been able to do that. I really think that meds are helping stabilize my mood.

I rode the little track a couple more times, switching off with Dez because the Raptor had a flat. Went back to our little staging area and I watched all the really good riders on the "big boys" track. Doubles, triples, jumps, rythym sections, the whole deal. I watched for a while and decided that I wanted to try it. I can't jump, but Troy said that I could roll up and over everything out there.

So I mount up and go out to the track. I sat by the start trying to get a feel for the layout, when Troy came over again. He said "Stick with me, we'll go slow and everyone will go around. Don't worry." He started out and would signal me when to stand up and when to sit down. We were going really slow, I barely got out of first, but I was proud of myself for even being out there. It was awesome to roll up the jumps and have a good rider whiz past you and suddenly be four feet OVER your head when he hits the jump and goes for it. It was cool.

So we are almost to the end of the track, last thing to hit was a small set of whoops. Troy signals me to stand up and I do, but I lean too far back, grabbing a handful of throttle that I didn't want. The bike takes off, hits the whoop completely wrong and the next thing I know, I am on the ground with my left leg pinned under my bike.

FUCK. I guess they don't call me "Crash" for nothing, right?

I was able to get my bike off of me and up before Troy or any of the other guys could get over to me. I tell him I am okay and to PLEASE stop signalling for the track officials because I am already embarrassed enough. Easiest part of the track and I crash. Figures.

I start up Bubba (my bike) and ride off the track. A couple of guys smile at me and I jokingly hang my head. I can't tell if they are thinking "Dumb girl" or if they were impressed that I got up so quickly and got back on. I really don't care.

So my souvenir for this weekend is a HUGE ( I am talking the size of a small dinner plate) black bruise on my left thigh, the whole left side of my knee is scraped and bruised, along with my elbow and shoulder. Whiplash on the right side of my neck (that gifted me with a massive headache yesterday) from when my helmet hit the ground. And this morning, I discovered a big bruise on the side of my right boob. Love tap from the handlebars, no doubt.

And you know what? I can't wait to get back out there.

I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I just can’t decide what to get or where to get it. I want my lower back done. I thought about having “ Little Bastard” done in a foreign language or obscure font. (Little Bastard was the name of James Dean’s 1955 Porsche Spyder 55 that he died in. It’ll be my little homage.) I am also thinking about getting “Focus” in Chinese or Japanese done on the inside of my wrist. HammieLove does not want me to do a tat there. I think it would be cool because I could see it.

We are probably going to a tattoo expo next weekend. Betcha I come home with one.

Like “Mom” tattooed across my ass.

Ripping this off from Nance

what is the geekiest part of your music collection?
All my boy bands, NSync, 98 degrees
what is your secret guarnteed weeping movie?
Ever After
if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Lipo
do you have a completely irrational fear?
i'm afraid that someone is going to come in the middle of the night and rip off my toenails with pliers. (HL likes to chase me around the house with pliers and has managed to reduce me to tears more than once!)
what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I hide behind my hair.
do you know anyone famous?
Not directly, but lots of people indirectly
describe your bed:
California King, brand new Egyptian cotton sheets, lots of pillows
spontaneous or plan?
I'm a planner.
who should play you in a movie about your life?
Brooke Shields.
do you know how to play poker?
yes. but not so well.
what do you carry with you at all times?
Smokes, cell phone
what do you miss most about being little?
Not feeling self concious in my bathing suit
are you happy with your given name?
Yes.
how much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
A LOT.
what color is your bedroom?
White walls, but I am decorating in burgundy, cream and black
what was the last song you were listening to?
Dead Man's Party (Oingo Boingo)
have you ever been in a play?
A couple.
have you ever been in love?
Three times.
do you talk a lot?
Yup.
do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
I was a lot more sympathetic until I started working downtown. Now I am accosted daily so the sympathy kinda goes out the window.
do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
yes
what is your ideal wedding location?
In the woods with big trees in a clearing, morning sunlight filtering through the leaves.
favorite fabric?
Anything I can pet. I love textures.
something you both love and hate?
being alone.
what kind of bedding do you use?
Egyptian cotton!
do you tell your friends about your sex life?
Since I am hypersexual, my sex life is constant source of jokes for my friends.
what's the one language you want to learn?
italian
how do you eat an apple?
Big Ole Bites
what do you order at a bar?
Vodka Martini, straight up and dirty
have you ever pierced your body parts?
Ears
do you have tattoos?
Not yet. Talk to me August 22 (HL and I are thinking of getting ones for out 5 year anniversary -- not names!)
would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery any kind if confronted?
Damn staright I would!
what's one of the "funniest" things you've ever done?
Dropped my keys down the elevator shaft.
do you drive stick?
Yes.
what's one trait you hate in a person?
dishonesty
what kind of watch(es) do you wear?
Don't wear one.
most frivolous purchase?
Prolly the foosball table, but HL bought that.
Do you consider yourself materialistic?
Nope.
what do you cook the best?
Chicken and dumplings
favorite writing instrument?
My keyboard!
do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
I like standing out.
what's one car you will never buy?
A Ford of any kind.
what kind of books do you like to read?
I like fantasy.
if you won the lottery, what would you do?
I would first buy my grandparents house in Kern that got sold after their deaths. Then I would travel, travel, and travel.
burial or cremation?
Cremate me.
how many online journals do you read regularly?
22
what's one thing you're a sore loser at?
Pretty much anything. I am very competitive.
what kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Outgoing and friendly
what do you like to do alone?
Read
are you a giver or a taker?
giver
when's the last time you cried?
Yesterday.
favorite communication method?
email
how many drinks before you're tipsy?
five

More on my weekend later...

"Whattya got?"

I worshipped Marlon Brando in "On The Waterfront."

What a loss to the world of films.

Oh, look! A chicken!

I went to my shrink last night to see about medication for my depression. We did the normal evaluation thing, talking about my good days and bad days. When we were done, he leaned and rested his chin on his templed fingers.

" You have a complicated diagnosis," he said. "Obviously, there is the depression. Then you have your high days, which makes one look a bi-polar disorder. But your mood instability, lack of focus, childhood history of poor grades even though you are intelligent makes me think that you have ADD."

I have ADD. It makes sense to me, especially since I started reading the book Driven to Distraction that the doc prescribed. It is a relief to know that I am not a ditz, an airhead, lazy, whatever other names I have been called over my lifetime. I am just wired differently. It's funny because I call myself "Dory" after the forgetful fish in Finding Nemo.

There is a shirt that I have seen that says:

My doctor says I have A.D...oh, look! A chicken!

That's me in a nutshell. Next week, we will start medication. I am looking forward to being able to focus more at work. I am sure that my boss' will be looking forward to it too.