You know that famous picture of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone with his hands slapped to his face, screaming his head off?

That's how I feel right now.

BossMan is in Vegas and LadyBoss is in D.C.

I have $300 MILLION worth of business riding the fence right now. And people wonder why I get stressed! $300 M-I-L-L-I-O-N! I am only 23 -- this is WAY too much responsibility...

I am going to try to stop hyperventilating and get some work done.

Thanks to everyone for the book recommendations! I will check some of those out! (Library pun totally not intended).

GT, I think I actually reviewed The Lovely Bones here a few months back. It is a really powerful, well-written novel. You should definitely read it!

I finally slept a whole 8 hours last night (Did I mention that I woke up at THREE FREAKIN' THIRTY on Sunday morning? Damn you, Insomnia!). Of course, last night's snooze was brought to me courtesy of Tylenol PM. I love that stuff.

I was very disappointed to find out that my 2 year old niece will not be coming down to stay with next weekend as planned. I was looking forward to hanging out with her.

On the bright side? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is coming out that Friday and now I can go see it opening weekend! *yay*

I need a good book to read....

Any suggestions?

You are SALUTE YOUR SHORTS. You are a wangsta who
knows business. You have fun in the sun and
know how to have a good laugh.


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Awww...I wanted to be " You Can't Do That on Television"

Me and Alanis were tight, y'all!

you are the "you're so dumb" happy bunny.
you are brutal in your words and enjoy putting
others down.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I love this because I love Happy Bunny!

And 'cause I have the mental age of six.

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Well, this doesn't describe me at all...Or maybe it does?

Thanks, TVJ, for the quiz!

I am so fucking glad that it's Friday. I can already tell that today is going to be one of those days...

I am surprised that I haven't heard from David all week. He doesn't know that HammieLove and I are back together yet. You would think he would call. It's a good thing that he hasn't because I don't think that is a healthy relationship for me to have right now, but my feelings are hurt that he hasn't. I think that maybe he is dealing with a lot of his own stuff right now (he just went through a messy break-up). *sigh* It is for the best though...

My mood was elevated this morning when I heard that they had caught the animals that decapitated Nick Berg. Screw the Geneva Convention...those fuckers deserve much much suffering before a horrible and painful death. How does that feel? Fuckers. I hope Nick's family and friends will find some solace that justice is being
served.

Geez, I need to llghten this thing up... how about a joke?

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they are ugly and they STINK! :) LOL

This is a favorite of small boys...

Since my blog has been a den of happiness lately...

I made an appointment for therapy today. HammieLove is pretty concerned over the depression thing and prodded me to call the employee assistance program. They were great and took care of the arrangements and I go in tomorrow at 3.

I have always known I was crazy but therapy??!?!

This will be a good thing. And hopefully I will be acutally able to look on the bright side of things. Or else I will have to change the name of my blog " Looking on the dark dark oh god where is the light side" ( And then I will dance with my head down bobbing from side to side taking a puff of my cigarette every five seconds, wearing all black and copious amounts of eyeliner and muttering "Conformists.)(If you don't watch South Park, you have no idea what that last part was about. "You got served!")

On the bright side today? I love my new skirt! It is black and assymetrical in a Tinkerbell kind of way. If I spin really fast, it flies up and shows my undies (which are SO not appropriate for work so I am not doing much spinning). With my 4 inch heels and a pretty top, I feel like a million bucks today! I have gotten a ton of compliments. I wish I could feel this good all the time.

HammieLove and I have decided we are going to take a vacation soon. Maybe up the coast to San Francisco and San Jose. He wants to see the Winchester Mystery House, which I have been to and it is cool! Or maybe to Washington DC. His grandpa died in Vietnam and he would like to get a rubbing of his name from the Vietnam Memorial. Plus, he spends so much time watching the History Channel, I think he would dig all the museums and history in DC.

Off to work...

A life without confidence is a tough life indeed. They needn't be friends, however. Sometimes a good rant to a complete stranger can be a very refreshing thing. What you can't do is hide yourself from the world. The masks we wear erode on the outside, and stagnate the inside.

Do you think that things happen for a reason? Do you really? Have you thought about what the world is telling you? Have you thought about the significant events that transpired up to this point, and how they affected your path? What path are you on? Do you intend on learning from your path? Do vague philosophical questions annoy you? ;)

- X

I didn't want this conversation to happen in the comments...

The mask comment hit home. I DO wear a mask. I am fully aware of this. Hammie is a happy girl, everyone expects her to be fun, perky, to make them feel better when they are down. There are times ( like lately) when I just can't be that girl. A lot of people are surprised to find out that I was a goth when I was younger. When I was dressed like a goth, people didn't EXPECT me to be perky. It was nice to be relieved of the pressure. I wish I could do that now. The mask is cracking though and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I am coming to a realization that the mood swings and sadness are not something that can be whisked away with a good song or a hug and kiss. The perfect stranger thing looks to be my route via counseling. I just have to work up the courage to make the call.

Do I believe things happen for a reason? Yeah, I do. Really I do. I also believe in following my instincts, which so far in life have fared me well. With HammieLove, as soon as I packed my bag, I knew I was wrong. It took a trip down memory lane to jar my thinking to the right place and realize that I WAS doing the wrong thing. Thank god I realized it before it was too late.

As for my path, I don't know where exactly I am going. I know the kind of person that I want to be and I know where I want to end up, but I don't know how to get there. I have my partner in crime who is incredibly patient and loving who is willing to help me get there. We have grown together immensely over the past five years and I know that we have a long way to go.

Philosophical questions don't bother me. :) As long as you don't mind the long winded answers!

I am feeling KatJam’s pain on the whole taping of the TV show thing. I went to watch my Tivo’d Gilmore Girls finale last night and realized to late that HammieLove had erased all of my settings off the TiVo on Sunday and it didn’t record GG! *pout*

I did watch the WB Superstar USA and I think I have a new TV boyfriend. Briggs cracked my shit up. They are doing such a great spoof on American Idol. I feel bad for some of these people but I guess I have a morbid fascination with these things. Plus, Briggs is biting Tyra Banks’ style with the whole “Congratulations, you are one step closer to being America’s next superstar.” I was laughing out load. I almost expected Brian McFadden to say “McFadden OUT!” at the end.

And on American Idol? Well, I think…that I don’t care. Bleh.

HammieLove are doing well. He is having a little issue right now since he is really good friends with my soon-to-be-ex business partner. He feels caught in the middle. I can’t (and won’t) tell him to stop being friends with her. His solution to the whole partnership thing is to have me sign my stuff over to him and then he will just act as a figurehead for me. She is willing to deal with and is seemingly unaware that he will be consulting me on everything anyway. I am okay with it because I don’t see myself being friends with her. I mean, seriously, she was telling all of our co-workers that I was out of the business before she had even spoken to me. She is turning her back on me when I need her, even after I have spent this past year working so hard to make her feel included in things, even if that meant sacrificing some of the alone time and intimacy that HL and I share. I am far from blaming all of our problems on her, but having that extra person around all the time could have contributed. Well, no more. If she insists on pushing through the partnership change, then she wasn’t the friend that I thought she was and she won’t have an integral part in MY life anymore. HL will have to make his own decisions and I hope he prioritizes our relationship first.

But I digress…

We had another good night last night. He had hockey. I went to a little bit of one of his games, but I had just been swimming laps and was uncomfy in my suit so I didn’t stay. I was there long enough to get tackled by a couple of his friends who though they weren’t going to see me again. It is nice to be loved. :O) And of course, after I leave, there is a bench clearing brawl. I always miss the good fights!

I am so tired. I can’t wait to go home. I think I might go see my kitty and take some pictures tonight. I want to make sure I get some good ones while she is still really tiny (only 17 days old!!)

P.S. In answer to one of the comments from yesterday, I have such a good reason for going back… I love him more that I have ever loved anyone else in my life. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, but just a TASTE of that life was enough to make me realize otherwise. My leaving was an eye opener for the both of us. I am glad to be seeing clearly now!

What a weird weekend.

Hammielove and I broke up yesterday. We have been together for five years and I walked out. Being around my ex, David, made me realize what I was missing from my relationship. David made me feel beautiful (nothing happened...it was just the way he talked to me). I have felt taken for granted and unhappy for a long time. HL is not an affectionate guy and I am affection hound. I crave touch. HL has made excuses for the course of our relationship about how he is just not that way and I would have to accept that. I decided to stop accepting it yesterday.

I spent the night (sort of) on my friend's couch. I only slept for three hours, then at midnight got a call from another friend named Dave, who was at David's house and they wanted me to come hang out. We flipped a coin for it ( I probably would have gone anyway) and I drove up there and hung out until I had to go to work. So yes, I have been up since midnight.

The odd thing is that it was David that made me realize what I was missing in my relationship, but it was hanging out with the Daves made me realize that I would MISS my relationship and HL. I debated calling him during my drive to work and gave in and left him a message when I got back to my friend's house.

I thought that he wouldn't call me back because I know that I had really hurt him by leaving. I blindsided EVERYONE. I said some things that may have been harsh ( "You never loved me the way that I needed to be loved." Ouch.) but there were things that needed to be said. I have been SCREAMING (figuratively) for years and he hasn't heard me. He just couldn't SEE me anymore. My friends that are his friends told me how tore up he was. He is the machoest guy that I know and I made him cry when I was walking out the door.

But he called! We talked some about how miserable we both were last night and how we hadn't eaten and how we couldn't turn on the radio without hearing a song that reminded us about the other. I told him that I think I may have made a mistake by leaving so soon. I think that we should go to counseling. I know that I am not married but I just can't see giving up so easily on the last five years when HL hadn't had a chance to fight for the relationship. I think now that he knows I am serious, he is going to do some work on his deeper set issues.

So he asked me out to dinner. Six o'clock at "his" place (which is funny because we live together.) I told him not to expect to get lucky because I am not that kind of girl! :)

So yesterday I was done and today I am looking forward to a renewed start to what is a (most of the time) wonderful relationship.

I am hoping that this change of events will rid me of my insomnia. I have also had a surprisingly queasy stomach lately. I don't think I have consumed more that 3000 calories in the last five days (and I think most of that was the black and tans I had at Saturday's Renaissance Faire!)

On the bright side? I got offered three jobs working at the Faire when I went. Apparently I am a natural! Unfortunately, I think the two hour plus drive each way would put a damper on the fun!

Found this over at somenuttychick's blog and thought it was hilarious and TRUE!

CAT HAIKUS



~~~~~~~~~~



You never feed me

Perhaps I'll sleep on your face

That will sure show you



You must scratch me there!

Above my tail and behold

Elevator arse.



The rule for today

Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow



In deep sleep hear sound

Cat vomit hairball somewhere

Will find in morning



Grace personified

I leap into the window

I meant to do that



Blur of motion.

Silence, me, a paper bag –

What is so funny?



The mighty hunter

Returns with a gift of plump birds

Your foot just squashed one



You're always typing

Well, let's see you ignore my

Sitting on your hands



My small cardboard box

You cannot see me if I

Can just hide my head



Terrible battle.

I fought for hours. Come and see!

What's a 'term paper'?



Small brave carnivores

Kill pine cones and mosquitoes

Fear vacuum cleaner



I want to be close

Let’s see if my head will fit

Inside your armpit



Wanna go outside.

Oh ! Help! I got outside.

Let me back inside!



Oh no! The Big One

Has been trapped by newspaper

Cat to the rescue



Humans are so strange.

Mine lies in bed, then screams.

My claws aren't that sharp.



Litter box not here

You must have moved it again

I'll crap in the sink



The Big Ones snore now

Every room is dark and cold

Time for 'Cup Hockey'



We're almost equals.

I purr to show I love you.

Want to smell my arse?


Hee!

I totally just wrote this great post about my night and Blogger ate it!

Arrrgggghhhh....

Lesson Learned

What lesson? Don't drink two martinis and a glass of wine on an empty stomach, get three hours of sleep and expect to be anywhere near coherent at work the next day. A case of Red Bulls couldn't help me now.

On the bright side? David came over for dinner last night. HammieLove and he got along very well. That makes me happy. Dave and I were great friends in school and have a really good connection. It is funny how after not seeing each other for five years we can just fall into the same comfortable patterns. And it is nice because I was so concerned that he would think I was horrendous with the weight that I gained, but he actually told me I was beautiful. *blush* I haven't heard that in a long time. Cute, yes, beautiful? No. It made me feel really good. We stayed up until 1:30 talking. I have been somewhat of an insomniac lately and it was great to have someone to talk to while I was waiting to get tired.

Then at 3:00 in the morning, I was woken up by a knock at the door. One of HL's friend's wife was at the door. She had woken up to find her husband gone. Their truck was missing and the security guard saw it leave, come back and when he investigated, he said he heard and saw a woman in the truck and when they noticed him looking, it left again. I stayed up with her, trying to think of positive situations that he could have been in, like helping out a friend or something but the fact that he wasn't answering his phone didn't help. It doesn't look good.

When she left at 4:30, I went back to bed for an additional two hours of sleep, bringing my grand total to 3 and a 1/2.

But I am going to the Renaissance Faire with David and another high school friend tomorrow and I can't wait!!

America, You're Fired!

To be honest, I really don't give a flying f*ck about American Idol. This year they don't have ANYONE that has the IT factor in my opinion. Randy annoys the crap out of me with his "yo yo homie dawg yeah yeah " stuff, Paula's on crack and Simon - well I love Simon. Even during the auditions the judges were pulling some wierd crap and I think that is why we ended up with craptastic Final 12 that we had.

But LATOYA???

What are we thinking? Jasmine (aka The Chosen One) gets ripped to shreds by the judges and everyone sympathy votes for her? Why do people do that? Don't the voters out there realize that a lot of money is going to be spent on an album for the winner? I hope Jasmine wins now so America can realize how dumb they are.

I think AI has jumped the shark.

Sizzle!

This is my horoscope today:


Your Thursday horoscope, Amanda!
A little sizzle and a lot of sparkle dominate the day. You are shining in your element, controlling the pace of things and making people take notice.

Kinda put me in a good mood!

I have to agree with KatJam that I am totally over American Idol. I feel like Simon "Who cares?" Yeah, LaToya, Fantasia and Diana are good singers but they have no personality (or in Fantasia's case, too much)! Also, I am sick of everyone telling Fanstasia that she is soooo unique. Macy Gray anyone? To a tee! I miss Kelly.

I went and saw my little kitten, Zion yesterday. She is too adorable for words. I am really going to have to take pictures of her and upload them. She is 10 days old and her eyes are almost open. She ears have opened so she has these two little fuzzy points on her head! She looks like a little tiger, except that she is black and brown. I snuggled her up last night and she slept and dreamt, getting all twitchy. I can't wait to take her home!

The vet called and said that Switch is ready to come home. It is going to be sad looking at that little cedar box, knowing that my Swishy is in there. HammieLove and I have decided to take her favorite laser toy and some pictures and make a shadow box. Then her box and picture will get a special place in the house. I feel a little silly because she was a pet, not my grandma, but then I think of my parents and what they did when our Shar-Pei, Ruffles died of a brain tumor. They had a huge portrait drawn of him from a picture and put it over the mantle in the formal living room with his box right underneath it. We didn't even have a family portrait but they had one of our dog!

So maybe I am not that crazy...

Just something to make you smile! It always works for me! 

Nice...Colorectal cancer as my banner. Very appealing!

I figured out how to post pictures! Now I am going to need to know how to post my resume if I don't stop screwing around with my blog!

I'm the one in the braids, second from the left! 

A second comment?! Wow I am on a roll!

Thanks, TVJ! *gives TVJ a standing "O"*

I must say that I am tickled pink to know that my two favorite bloggers actually read my blog!

I got my first comment! And the honor goes to...

GreenTuna!

Her prize is... um... well... a standing ovation! *stands and gives ovation*

Thanks, GT!

Hello? Testing testing...anyone home?

New Look!
I am being adventurous and trying to figure this out.

*looks down* Do I have comments now?

So David has come and gone. We had a really nice lunch. It was so cool how we just fell into our old and comfortable patterns. I think that is the sign of a good friendship! We caught up on old times and talked and laughed about so much stuff! I am glad that he is in town for the summer. It is going to be fun. Now to introduce him to HammieLove and pray that they get along!

Happy News!

Last night when I got home from work, HammieLove told me that we had to go to his friend's house to check out some new equipment that he put on his dirt bike. We headed over there and I walked over to look at the bike. Lo and behold, right by the bike was a box that had a mama cat and three day old kittens! Their cat had the kitties on Sunday and they told me to pick one out! So now (or in six weeks at least) I have a new kitten. Her name is Zion (gotta stick with the Matrix theme). I am so excited!! :)